The first
It is lamenting that the first post is inclined towards an ominous tale, actually more deeply a threnodic one. Feelings are the most complex, most subtle and abstract in the built of humanity. Therefore, I'll start with this portion of what I've gone through today.
Have you ever loved deeply and that someone you cared for is not of your kin? It is always perplexing when the bond is somewhat raw, new or unseasoned and the couple goes into a skirmish, or even a silenced protest over a misunderstanding or disagreement. This is one misunderstanding that happens to be first in this couple, myself in it that is. This one was a silenced protest, as I could find no reason why I felt that way when I felt I was left behind or pushed aside. I can't put it to her that way, because fact of the matter is, she did not do so. Strange why someone feels the way they feel over small matters that have absolutely no weight in a deep passionate relationship.
To feel neglected even when someone is talking to you straight to the face? That happens when the person is multi-tasking and you are focused in a conversation. It is very childish to be this way, which was why I could say nothing about the way I directly feel and even if I were to say it directly, it would've sounded exactly the way I don't want it to sound, self-centered and ego-centric. I felt sorry, but apologizing would only hide the way I felt, although I did, to some extent. The exact description in this situation is like this, entrapped, angst, in agony and lamenting all at once when you know what you want to say is not going to depict what you feel as there are no words that will describe what you feel sincerely, at least not at the moment.
She's done no wrong, in her part, playing the Juliet in this romance, have done her portion of caring and loving by conversing with you in a casual manner, amidst her dialogues with several others and especially when the several others come under your introduction to her acquaintance. They are my acquaintances, which proves under all circumstances that she's in a manner free of any suspicion, innocent beyond proof (not that I suspect anything). In her part, she should be thinking where have I gone wrong to have triggered this problem? Perhaps she's thinking I'm really angry with this person for not understanding myself enough, mayhap even, why is he so sensitive?
My part is, I feel so neglected over nothing, nothing in the case that she has done nothing to wrong me. Jealousy has a strange way of encapsulating and intermitting your feelings in the way you would just loathe....... loathe even yourself. Could someone be so important that you would feel so irrationally jealous even so much upon not having her undivided attention to you when you have undivided attention on her? The jealousy is so rampant, even when nothing is actually happening that you'd do drastic things. In my case, I went into a silent protest, not even knowing my feelings that time the exact way that I'm describing now. I feel like I've lost something so invaluable as a part of me that I have no way of getting it back and no way of expressing the way I feel, have you ever had the agony of experiencing that?
This was the feeling that triggered me to resolve to go to some place... A solace, a retreat and I went to church... Hoping that God could give me a solution to the way I was feeling. When I was in church, the irony of having the entire church not being in the church near killed me. They were away for camp, so even the pastors were elsewhere. I had to go church, it was my only place of thinking and escape from my feelings that were in utter turmoil. I had no resolve, there was nothing that I could think about that were not random visions that were clamorous, vociferous with a gnarly raucous about my own pitiful state or the unruly mess I’ve made of the situation. Over it all, I was thinking how much I miss the person that had made the sentiment, causing me to feel cold and detached. I went to an old church that I had attended 2 years ago. There finding answers that were from God, crying in a way so touched by the spirit, as I have not cried in many years having built a solid wall from this part of my emotions. I have found what I was looking for in this church that had guided me while I was still in high school.
Her words were “do not obsess over me”, which naturally lead me to think that I’m overcrowding her, limiting her from her aspect of freedom. It hurt so much to know that. I thought 1 of the only ways to resolve that was to let her go, go the way that she had wanted, doing the things that she needed to do. But to know that you’re the part of her life that is unnecessary or a hassle to have around, hurt. She was important to me, to the point that I needed her as an everyday portion of a meal to live, like a drink from the cup of an elixir, that without would pain so deeply it scars, like possessing something invaluable and losing it only too soon. Hitherto, thinking where the flare in our conversations had gone, and only not too long ago was I told that I was the comfort she had not felt in too long.
God had led me to find the things that I could not form in words! How I felt like when I was angry with her is much like this. Consider a priceless porcelain sculpture. Priceless and new! The collector would love it to death and protect it like no other, even though he has a collection of other priceless sculptures. He would polish and wipe it everyday because he is so proud of what he has and also because it is new, care for it like no other, always afraid if something would cause it to break asunder. Later when it is more seasoned, the collector found out that the porcelain sculpture could bear intense heat, would not break even it fell from great heights, therefore he is relieved and leaves the porcelain sculpture to be independent on his shelf of collection knowing it is rugged and resilient in nature, that nothing could break it. This, for me depicts love, because you are unfamiliar with it, you have a tendency to be very careful, considerate and protective of it. There is always a tendency to be a afraid if any harm, hurt or disfigurement would fall upon it because this unfamiliar new thing was never gauged from how much disfigurement it could withstand as it is so precious. You for one would never bear to see yourself gauge the resilience or strength of that precious possession. As time passes, due to things that happens to it by way of God, one finds out that it is able to stand the test of time, harm and disfiguring factors because it was built that way. This is why I guard and care for this girl ever so jealously and zealously. I know not the resilience and strengths that lies within the beautiful façade that engulfs her soul.
The one thing that love is made different from the porcelain would be that through time, it is mould, strengthened because hitherto, familiarity makes fonder of those whom are in love. Love grows stronger when it is willing, not forced or bullied into.
That night itself, the conflict resolved having her know what I feel after a day of detachment and thinking and praying. It was wrong to be detached as she on her side, was worried about my well-being for the rest of the day, in a state of paranoia, not knowing what she did wrong to have caused this. I did not know this until we were in a conversation talking about being obsessed. She did not know that I took it the wrong way, that I thought I was over-crowding her comfort.
She loved the idea, she loved being pampered and cared for and over-crowded!!! When she say obsessed, what she meant was not to let go of other things because there are always important things in life, and not to push those aside as they come in vital to affect not just the lives of 2 people, but more. Now, these two in this over-crowded space of love is even closer than before, fitting even tighter than ever knowing that they are so much, so much in love that everyday is a daze knowing that the other loves the other so much, so madly, sincerely and willingly they have fallen head over heels one over the other and latter over aforementioned.
It was a sign for me, that the first squabble in this relationship ending in stronger bliss, was a blessing from God through much prayer that I am to commit this lifetime to this person that I’ve loved so much, and cared unceasingly for. I’ve never been so love-struck, for God please let me love endlessly since you have decided that this should be for me and no other. To love sincerely, truly deeply and effortlessly, would describe these feelings.
Have you ever loved deeply and that someone you cared for is not of your kin? It is always perplexing when the bond is somewhat raw, new or unseasoned and the couple goes into a skirmish, or even a silenced protest over a misunderstanding or disagreement. This is one misunderstanding that happens to be first in this couple, myself in it that is. This one was a silenced protest, as I could find no reason why I felt that way when I felt I was left behind or pushed aside. I can't put it to her that way, because fact of the matter is, she did not do so. Strange why someone feels the way they feel over small matters that have absolutely no weight in a deep passionate relationship.
To feel neglected even when someone is talking to you straight to the face? That happens when the person is multi-tasking and you are focused in a conversation. It is very childish to be this way, which was why I could say nothing about the way I directly feel and even if I were to say it directly, it would've sounded exactly the way I don't want it to sound, self-centered and ego-centric. I felt sorry, but apologizing would only hide the way I felt, although I did, to some extent. The exact description in this situation is like this, entrapped, angst, in agony and lamenting all at once when you know what you want to say is not going to depict what you feel as there are no words that will describe what you feel sincerely, at least not at the moment.
She's done no wrong, in her part, playing the Juliet in this romance, have done her portion of caring and loving by conversing with you in a casual manner, amidst her dialogues with several others and especially when the several others come under your introduction to her acquaintance. They are my acquaintances, which proves under all circumstances that she's in a manner free of any suspicion, innocent beyond proof (not that I suspect anything). In her part, she should be thinking where have I gone wrong to have triggered this problem? Perhaps she's thinking I'm really angry with this person for not understanding myself enough, mayhap even, why is he so sensitive?
My part is, I feel so neglected over nothing, nothing in the case that she has done nothing to wrong me. Jealousy has a strange way of encapsulating and intermitting your feelings in the way you would just loathe....... loathe even yourself. Could someone be so important that you would feel so irrationally jealous even so much upon not having her undivided attention to you when you have undivided attention on her? The jealousy is so rampant, even when nothing is actually happening that you'd do drastic things. In my case, I went into a silent protest, not even knowing my feelings that time the exact way that I'm describing now. I feel like I've lost something so invaluable as a part of me that I have no way of getting it back and no way of expressing the way I feel, have you ever had the agony of experiencing that?
This was the feeling that triggered me to resolve to go to some place... A solace, a retreat and I went to church... Hoping that God could give me a solution to the way I was feeling. When I was in church, the irony of having the entire church not being in the church near killed me. They were away for camp, so even the pastors were elsewhere. I had to go church, it was my only place of thinking and escape from my feelings that were in utter turmoil. I had no resolve, there was nothing that I could think about that were not random visions that were clamorous, vociferous with a gnarly raucous about my own pitiful state or the unruly mess I’ve made of the situation. Over it all, I was thinking how much I miss the person that had made the sentiment, causing me to feel cold and detached. I went to an old church that I had attended 2 years ago. There finding answers that were from God, crying in a way so touched by the spirit, as I have not cried in many years having built a solid wall from this part of my emotions. I have found what I was looking for in this church that had guided me while I was still in high school.
Her words were “do not obsess over me”, which naturally lead me to think that I’m overcrowding her, limiting her from her aspect of freedom. It hurt so much to know that. I thought 1 of the only ways to resolve that was to let her go, go the way that she had wanted, doing the things that she needed to do. But to know that you’re the part of her life that is unnecessary or a hassle to have around, hurt. She was important to me, to the point that I needed her as an everyday portion of a meal to live, like a drink from the cup of an elixir, that without would pain so deeply it scars, like possessing something invaluable and losing it only too soon. Hitherto, thinking where the flare in our conversations had gone, and only not too long ago was I told that I was the comfort she had not felt in too long.
God had led me to find the things that I could not form in words! How I felt like when I was angry with her is much like this. Consider a priceless porcelain sculpture. Priceless and new! The collector would love it to death and protect it like no other, even though he has a collection of other priceless sculptures. He would polish and wipe it everyday because he is so proud of what he has and also because it is new, care for it like no other, always afraid if something would cause it to break asunder. Later when it is more seasoned, the collector found out that the porcelain sculpture could bear intense heat, would not break even it fell from great heights, therefore he is relieved and leaves the porcelain sculpture to be independent on his shelf of collection knowing it is rugged and resilient in nature, that nothing could break it. This, for me depicts love, because you are unfamiliar with it, you have a tendency to be very careful, considerate and protective of it. There is always a tendency to be a afraid if any harm, hurt or disfigurement would fall upon it because this unfamiliar new thing was never gauged from how much disfigurement it could withstand as it is so precious. You for one would never bear to see yourself gauge the resilience or strength of that precious possession. As time passes, due to things that happens to it by way of God, one finds out that it is able to stand the test of time, harm and disfiguring factors because it was built that way. This is why I guard and care for this girl ever so jealously and zealously. I know not the resilience and strengths that lies within the beautiful façade that engulfs her soul.
The one thing that love is made different from the porcelain would be that through time, it is mould, strengthened because hitherto, familiarity makes fonder of those whom are in love. Love grows stronger when it is willing, not forced or bullied into.
That night itself, the conflict resolved having her know what I feel after a day of detachment and thinking and praying. It was wrong to be detached as she on her side, was worried about my well-being for the rest of the day, in a state of paranoia, not knowing what she did wrong to have caused this. I did not know this until we were in a conversation talking about being obsessed. She did not know that I took it the wrong way, that I thought I was over-crowding her comfort.
She loved the idea, she loved being pampered and cared for and over-crowded!!! When she say obsessed, what she meant was not to let go of other things because there are always important things in life, and not to push those aside as they come in vital to affect not just the lives of 2 people, but more. Now, these two in this over-crowded space of love is even closer than before, fitting even tighter than ever knowing that they are so much, so much in love that everyday is a daze knowing that the other loves the other so much, so madly, sincerely and willingly they have fallen head over heels one over the other and latter over aforementioned.
It was a sign for me, that the first squabble in this relationship ending in stronger bliss, was a blessing from God through much prayer that I am to commit this lifetime to this person that I’ve loved so much, and cared unceasingly for. I’ve never been so love-struck, for God please let me love endlessly since you have decided that this should be for me and no other. To love sincerely, truly deeply and effortlessly, would describe these feelings.
posted by Adolescence at 2:34 PM
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